Garage Sale Fail: A Humorous Hyperbole


Every now and then, I like to throw in some rantings, pet-peeves, hyperbolic stories, or just be humorous. I want to tell you about my super cute wife and I’s first attempt at a garage sale as a married couple. Some of the facts have been changed or exaggerated.

On my day’s off work, I like to sleep in. After a hard week, it just makes sense. However, my super cute wife and I just moved West to where the sun is always shining and the stars don’t come out at night. They walk around in the daylight. If you can’t take the hint, we moved to California.

Prior to the move, my super cute wife and I decided that we had way too much junk. Like any capitalistic couple, we decided to have a garage sale.

We woke up at 6am and I borrowed tables from our home church, got us some donuts, and put up signs. I headed home to begin setting up.

Our first customer showed up right when we opened. It was a good friend of ours who bought a whole bunch of stuff from us and prayed for us. This was so nice and we were so full of gratitude. So far, we were off to a great start. However, we should have not set our hopes so high.

Our second customer was a stranger from a nearby neighborhood. She looked over things, but then she asked my wife, “So is anyone living next door to you?”

At the time, my wife’s response was truth, “Not right now.”

The customer then proceeded to give my super cute wife the third degree about the duplexes. (If you are wondering where I was, I was more than likely in the crapper). Soon the questions got creepier.

Customer: “So, did you know the people who lived there before?”

My wife: “Yes, they were nice.”

Customer: “Good, because I’m looking for a place for my husband.” She did not add “and me.”

It was not what she said, but how she said. My wife had this thought, “So, you’re dumping his body here and framing us for the crime?”

After this, the customer said in a very low toned fashioned way, “I feel like I need to be honest with you about something.” Again, how she said it sent a shiver down my wife’s spine.

My super cute wife is not a fan of crime shows other than Blue Bloods, but she indulges me. This may have been a bad influence. She thought, “This is what every sociopath says before they tell their victim that they’ve been stalking them and are now disappointed in how they’re living.” If you’re not a fan of crime shows, the victim usually dies at that point.

However, the customer said, “I don’t have any money. I just pulled in.” Then she proceeded with her questions.

My super cute wife answered the rest of her questions with a lot of patience, but forever on guard and finally said, “There’s a phone number at the front. You can call the landlord, he’s a really nice guy.”

The customer said, “I know the landlord. I already called him.” There was unspoken “duh.” After this exchanged, she left. 

My super cute wife told me about this conservation and we just shrugged it off.

After that, we got a slow stream of customers looking for a bargain. One lady bought twenty dollars worth of stuff while one guy spent two dollars on his teenage daughter who perused my wife’s jewelry.

As the last hour of our garage sale came to a close, we were getting more and more paying customers. It was quite exciting, however, that all changed when we heard the horn of a moving truck.

Not one, but two sets of new neighbors rolled in with their moving vans and completely blocked off access to our garage sale. I watched in horror as potential customers slowed down at the sight of our signs and then just kept rolling by.

The last hour crept by with a barrage of sighs on both me and my super cute wife’s part. It was redeemed by my sister and brother-in-law bringing us some lunch. Food always seems to solve everything.

Because we did not sale as much as we wanted, it all ended up in a Goodwill bin in downtown Beaumont, Texas where I am sure the humidity is loving the stuff.

The moral of this story, always double check with your landlord beforehand even if there is a paper trail showing when and where your garage sale was suppose to happen. Also, be sure to ask if any sociopaths called. Like I said, garage sale fail. 

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