Getting A Full Back Sunburn: A Satircal Story


Soooo, with my upcoming wedding getting closer and closer, I decided it would be a good idea to do things like exercise, eat better (notice I didn’t say “diet”) and generally try to look good for my future bride (who is still living in California).

I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and I realized that I am what the Native Americans use to call “pale face.” I was not just a “white man” but yes, a pale face. Now, thanks to my Irish and Cajun roots, I get a farmer’s tan pretty easily, but I came up with a scheme to cut corners and even out the tan so that the EPA would stop calling and asking to use me for a solar panel.

My backyard is fenced in and I’m kind of bashful, so I don’t even take off my shirt to go swimming, but I took advantage of our privacy, made sure no drones were in the air, and once a week, I would take off my shirt to mow the grass.

It worked a little bit, but it was slow taking. I was getting impatient and started to become tempted to waste my money paying some teenager to bake me in a tanning bed.

However, as luck would have it, my dad asked me to paint the window seals on his house. I thought, I really don’t like the slow tedious process of painting, but it’s worth a try to get a little tanned. So I painted away for eight hours, with only a minor lunch break.

Good news, the sun was able to get to me, the bad news: it burned me really bad. My entire back was as red as a lobster, but I figured, okay at least I’ll get my tan.

It didn’t hurt to first day, or the second day, but then that third day it attacked me with a vengeance. I was unsuspecting, having dinner with my sister and brother-in-law when it just kind of came on me like a fruit bat to well, fruit. When I got home, I was literally slopping aloe on my back to try to get some relief. It would help for a couple of hours, but the itching and burning would come back on me. All the while I held on, knowing that I would get my tan.

The pain went away the next day and my sun burn remained. I waited patiently for it to heal to reveal the no longer red, but also no longer bright pale whiteness of my back.

A few days later, it was time. I lifted my pajama shirt, but what I found shocked me. My back was completely back to normal. All the heat, pain, burning, and itching was for not. My back didn’t even have a slight tan. It was totally and completely the way it was before.

Oh, well, I figured in between sobs. I’m just glad she doesn’t ONLY love me for my body.

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